Hillbilly How-to: DIY Kitchen-y Stuff

I'll be the first to admit it: I don't spend a lot of time in the kitchen part of my trailer. It has too many windows, too many drawers, and the smell of vinyl wainscoting gives me a headache something fierce! When the wives go out of town, however, I'm oftentimes forced to enter their unholy realm of sausage and flour; and it's during these rare forays into the forsaken principality of pizza rolls that I sometimes stumble upon a fantastic, culinary DIY project.

For instance, did you know you can make lasagna in your dishwasher? It's true. Apparently all you have to do is throw a bunch of ingredients into a foil-wrapped pod and toss it in with your dirty beer koozies. Set that sucker for two hours of steamy, soapy action, and you'll have a festering pile of delicious Italian goodness that will rival anything you've ever tasted from the Olive Garden... or even Fazoli's, for that matter!

Now, if you're like me, dishwasher lasagna might not come to you as quite a surprise. Hell, I've been eating dishwasher medley on a bed of crispy ramen noodles since I was knee high to a grasshopper! And that was back in the days before we even had dishwashers! Back then, mother would just slop all the leftovers together, add a mouth-watering burst of Easy Cheese, stir to a mashed-potato-esque consistency, and we'd be set for the next couple weeks. But I digress.


Speaking of dishwashers and the stuff we stick inside them, I came up with a great idea for a koozie replacement when all my sweet branded ones were in the wash. You're not going to believe me on this one, but Rice Krispie treats are about as good as any turkey-shaped, John-Deere-branded koozie you'll find on today's market. I can hear you all now: "did he say Rice Krispie treats?! Has he lost his marbles?!" The answer is NO to all your stupid skeptical questions... except the one about whether I really said Rice Krispie treats... because that's true.

I'd throw together an entire step-by-step tutorial to show you how it's done, but some dude already beat me to it -- and besides, I'm almost out of time from the 18,000 free hours AOL sent me in the mail last year. In fact, I better be logging off ASAP. The wives are due back any minute now, and I still haven't cleaned up my mess from last night's foil-pod-in-the-microwave incident. I think I'll take the Bud-mobile down to the store and buy some Swiss Rolls too. The girls love them things.